The personal is the spiritual

I've been wrestling with this for months now. Most of my life I've had this feeling that it's somehow wrong to just do things purely for me, I should somehow be of service. Lately, however, I started to feel very differently. It became clear to me that being "spiritual" just meant giving out a lot and getting very little back. I turned my back on the "spiritual" and set out to make some money on the internet in purely capitalistic fashion... feeling damned rebellious and expecting the hand of God to grab me by the scruff of the neck and drag me kicking and screaming away from my hopes and dreams. (Yes, I know all that Freudian stuff about God and father figures... don't analyze me!) It was a hard time. I spent hours every day on the internet, working away at promoting my online affiliate businesses and learning, learning, learning. These were desperate times, as I knew my income was not covering expenses, and here I was putting all my energy into this unknown area. Sometimes there was no money for fuel for the car, we ate very cheap food, and I drove out into the bush every day to pick up sticks for the fire.

So what happened? Months and weeks later I'm still here. The online businesses are at last attracting some downline, and I've got support from an unexpected source which will keep me afloat while my businesses grow.

What did I learn? Mainly, that I am ok. My world did not fall apart, though we seemed to skate perilously close to the edge. I've lost weight, and lost my dependence on food as an emotional support. And I've found what a great feeling it is to pursue one's passion, despite everything...