The personal is the spiritual

I've been wrestling with this for months now. Most of my life I've had this feeling that it's somehow wrong to just do things purely for me, I should somehow be of service. Lately, however, I started to feel very differently. It became clear to me that being "spiritual" just meant giving out a lot and getting very little back. I turned my back on the "spiritual" and set out to make some money on the internet in purely capitalistic fashion... feeling damned rebellious and expecting the hand of God to grab me by the scruff of the neck and drag me kicking and screaming away from my hopes and dreams. (Yes, I know all that Freudian stuff about God and father figures... don't analyze me!) It was a hard time. I spent hours every day on the internet, working away at promoting my online affiliate businesses and learning, learning, learning. These were desperate times, as I knew my income was not covering expenses, and here I was putting all my energy into this unknown area. Sometimes there was no money for fuel for the car, we ate very cheap food, and I drove out into the bush every day to pick up sticks for the fire.

So what happened? Months and weeks later I'm still here. The online businesses are at last attracting some downline, and I've got support from an unexpected source which will keep me afloat while my businesses grow.

What did I learn? Mainly, that I am ok. My world did not fall apart, though we seemed to skate perilously close to the edge. I've lost weight, and lost my dependence on food as an emotional support. And I've found what a great feeling it is to pursue one's passion, despite everything...

The joy of life

Life is meant to be enjoyed. This may be hard to believe, but if you have trouble with the concept, ask yourself "Why?". Your first answer may be, that you can see from your experience that enjoyment is hard to come by, and often comes at the expense of other things. Dig deeper... and now you come upon the layer of expectations - those placed upon you by others, and by yourself, which are in direct conflict with your natural desire and direction. Can you see these things, and how they affect you? Are you still following the programming which you have received? Ask yourself now, "Why?". Your answer may be, that you never thought to do otherwise. It may be that you thought about it, but your inbuilt feelings of duty and obligation and guilt rose to the surface, and quickly herded you back to where you "belong". Is any of this sounding familiar? Now you can see the mechanisms in your mind which have kept joy to a minimum in your life. Do you want to do something about it? And most of all, do you have fear which stops you? Now we are getting to the real heart of the issue, and it is this: you want to be loved, approved of and accepted by others, and you will give away huge parts of yourself and your potential in order to receive this love, approval or acceptance, however fleetingly. Now we come to the point of choice and the point of balance in all this, which is self-love. Can you even read the words "self love" without wanting to withdraw, to distance yourself from the concept, to make sure that no one thinks you are even comtemplating such a thing? You can run back to the security of your duties and obligations right now, or you can choose to begin the journey towards self-love and wholeness, which will bring you increasing amounts of joy. Which do you choose?