How strange it is to be carried along by the river of our own creation, towards an outcome which we have already judged as being incorrect! Wow!
I have just brought some good things in to my life, things which I realize I have been desiring for quite a long time, and yet I've been judging those same things as being "incorrect", as my mind has been trained to think that "I can do better than that", etc.
So here is the trick, I realize - to allow my true desires, despite the judgements which I may have about them, or about myself if I allow those things in.
Somehow I have managed to do it, and to let those things in. Yay!
From now on, I will let it flow.
I also realized today that so much of what I have experienced in the last 2 years is good, it has enriched me in ways which I could not have understood if I had not taken this leg of the journey. I am glad of it. And yet if I had done the "right" things, I would not have had these experiences.
What am I talking about? In real world terms, I have been living in a poor mixed-race neighbourhood, barely affording the rent, but getting to know some real (no bullshit, no facade) people and learning to create my own safe space around me. In a few days I will move in to government housing, just around the corner, with a nicer home at half the rent. I will leave behind my flashing, known child molester and slightly crazy neighbour (who also shared a lot with me about his culture and point of view, but who I stopped talking to at some point). So now I will have a family with 6 kids who are out of control living on one side, but I know it's going to be ok. Once I would have been afraid to live in a neighbourhood like this. Now I know these are just people, trying to live their lives. I don't need to separate myself to be safe. To me this is another step in my liberation as a human being. I am enriched and expanded (by the experience, and also by the people I have come to know), and I feel grateful for that.
Even before I moved to this town, there was something about these little government houses which attracted me. Something in me said I would one day live in one. Sounds like a step in the "wrong" direction, doesn't it? And lately, those same houses were getting insulation installed, and new fencing, and paint... and I thought how nice it would be to have that. So here I am, about to move in to a freshly painted, freshly carpeted little brick house with a new fence all the way around it...